The Traditional Family Dinner

The Traditional Family Dinner

John Spivey

The school bus pulls into my driveway; I am the last person off the bus and the long, meandering ride has left me very hungry. I quickly run down my driveway and up the steps to my house. As I burst through the front door, I sling my belongings all over the floor. The delightfully overwhelming scent of chicken alfredo fills my nostrils and my mouth begins to water. I see the dinner table adorned with forks, plates, and the four chairs that are always filled with my mom, dad, brother, and the occasional friend.

Looking back on this spectacle, I remember how I began to view this setting as the traditional family dinner. For as many years as I can remember, this was how I ate dinner every day with my family. We sat down at a table, ate and most importantly spent time with each other; however, as I am now a college student I have struggled to formulate and maintain the family dinner model. I wondered whether the traditional family model is still existent in a college setting? I tried to gain insight from my fellow students on how important the family meal was to them and if they still tried to reflect it in their own daily lives here on campus.

For my purposes the “traditional family dinner,” refers to a gathering of family to eat, converse, and in general spend time together over dinner. Although some people do sit down at an actual dinner table and eat, this happening is seen much less in today’s society. In other words, some people have grown up with the traditional family dinner as a main point within their family, but there are also those families who interact in a more nontraditional manner. For example, some families gather around the television as they eat. Others eat individually while doing other activities such as work.

“I was brought up in a home like you, John, we sat around the dinner table every night and spent time together” said Jules Hill, a student here at the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill. Jules Hill grew up in a large family in which family meals were seen as a vital time for bonding because each family member had different hectic schedules. Hill felt that the traditional family dinner was something that meant a lot to him, and he wanted to do his best to maintain it while in college. Hills also went on to talk about how he hoped to one day have his own family so that he too could instill in them what his parents had in him.

“My family never really ate around the table, but we still bonded in other ways like sitting in the living room together and sharing dessert, so in a sense we did practice the traditional family dinner” said Varun Gulati who is also a student from UNC Chapel Hill. Gulati, an only child who grew up originally in India, went on to describe his family’s eating habits as different when compared to those of Jules Hill’s family. In Gulati’s opinion, the traditional family dinner lacked importance because his family had never really put this model into action; however, he did mention that food was used as a way of bonding as seen in his statement about eating dessert together. This suggests that the traditional family dinner did exist in Gulati’s family, but it wasn’t as evident. Statistics suggest that Gulati’s family is not alone because 82% of families rarely sit down to an actual traditional family dinner together, but instead often spend time together as food is being made or just over a casual snack.

Their statements suggest that although the traditional family model may differ slightly between families and cultures, there is definitely still some sort of family dinner that takes place, which mirrors the aspects of the one I have described. After interviews with these two students I observed their eating and social habits as they entered the dining halls. College dining halls consist of many tables which beckon and almost require social interaction between students. At home, many people are able to sit in solitude be it on the couch, bed, or even desk; however, college dining halls somewhat dismay students from this opportunity and as I watched Hills and Gulati I noticed that on all occasions both students looked for friends to sit with at the large tables. They were indeed looking for people to interact with over dinner just as they had with the families as they grew up.

As I observed the college atmosphere, I noticed that college in general is a great obstacle when it comes to maintaining things such as the traditional family model and all the other learned habits that go with it. For instance, our class schedules often do not correlate well with the schedules of our peers. These schedules can be all over the place at various times of the day making it very difficult for friends to meet up. I often find myself texting many of my friends to invite them to lunch or dinner, and often times most of them are in class. When I first came to UNC Chapel Hill, I knew no one and when I ate, it was usually by myself or with random people. After growing up in a household where I had grown to associate food with family and friends, I longed to eat and interact with others. I observed others and saw how they took great delight in eating together and spending time together. As I began to make friends I saw how students were willing to work around their schedules and their friend’s schedules in order to be able to eat together.

Eddie Hackim, a freshman here at UNC, said that he did the same thing when it was time to eat and he too was often left alone or with a fewer amount of people because everyone else was in class. “I’ve finally decided to try and memorize the class schedules of my closest friends, so I know the times that we can eat together” said Hackim. With this said I noticed how in college we learn to eat not necessarily when we are hungry but when we are able to eat with our friends, just as families mostly eat when everyone is home.

Also, the large scale food production of the dining halls makes people lose a sort of relation to the food. The buffet style food selection though enticing at first, lacks a sense of relationship between the food and students. As a result students feel even less at home. “I don’t know who cooks the food, so I just eat as quickly as possible and go on with my day” said Kate Simpson on the topic of large scale dining halls. Kate, who grew up just minutes from the UNC campus, told of how the traditional family dinner was a main point within her family and that her moms cooking was the best, but dining hall food did nothing for her. I noticed how Kate would gladly give up the large selection presented in the dining halls, just to have a single selection cooked by her mother because she knew who cooked it and as a result cared more about it.

Even things such as religious practices related to food are not seen as much. While at home, we have all been subject to our strict family beliefs be it prayer before a meal, not eating pork, etc. I have a couple Jewish friends here at UNC Chapel Hill who while at home were not never allowed to eat pork, but when served in the dining halls the students now eat in regularly because their friends do. “I’m growing up, and even though my views are changing it doesn’t mean that I do not respect what my parents have taught me over the years. I’m trying to fit in and do what’s hot now while still respecting my past learnings. Yeah I eat pork, and yes I’m still Jewish” said William Patin. Patin went on to allude to the fact that he just wanted to fit in with his new friends, so he changed a minor detail of his growing up although he still proudly exclaimed that he was Jewish. Patin is a perfect example of how college allows us to make our own choices.

Just to be clear, not every person grows up in a household that interacts in a family dinner setting. For example, some people grow up cooking their own food. I actually went to a dorm kitchen and talked to Victoria Marley, a freshman from a small town in North Carolina, about her college experiences with eating and the family model.

“Believe me, I grew up in a great, tight knit family, but the traditional family dinner is just something we never did. We all just kind of did our own thing when it came to eating and we all liked it that way; here I do the same, although I go out to eat with friends occasionally, but I mostly just cook here and prepare my own food because that’s how I was raised.” Instances such as this illuminate the fact that most college students work to carry out the lessons and habits which they learned from their own families. Some students like Jules Hill and Varun Gulati grew up with the traditional family dinner at least somewhat present within their household while Marley did not. As a result, Hills and Gulati work to maintain the traditional family dinner while Marley does not because that is how they were raised.

So does all this mean that the traditional family model does exist? Do people at least try to maintain habits of which remind them of home and their family? I would say yes, for those who grow up in household that uses the traditional family dinner, they still use it in college. It is no longer a question of whether or not people maintain the traditional family dinner but whether they maintain the eating habits and customs of which they have become so accustomed to as they grew up. To answer this, as a student, I do believe that we maintain our habits for the most part, and the few changes that we make are based off of things that we learn from our new friends, who are in all reality, our new family.